(on today)

It’s okay. I am fine. I was and will still be fine.

I am telling those words to myself over and over again. Because hoping for someone to tell me that it’s okay to not feel okay is too ideal. And people say you can’t live in this world while holding onto your stupid and full of defense belief.

Yeah, things are running on my mind right now. And I’m overwhelmed by unwanted feelings. All I can say is today hasn’t been easy.

I’ll admit it. That it’s hard to be me. Can you be strong and independent, and a woman as well? Because at some point, you can’t have it all together. You must understand the way things are, Sil.

Is it wrong to want to feel protected and respected just because sometimes you are strong and independent by your own self?

But for some people, you’re just being hard-headed. And you don’t get why is it so hard to make yourself understood. You don’t demand or expect something to be perfect. You just want to give your best and hope for someone to realise that. But that’s what people call too ideal. And there you are sitting confused silently.

Yeah, this time I’m trying to recall what have been through. Where things go wrong? And why?

I can’t deny that it hurts. Like, really hurts. The kind of pain I never felt before. And I hate it, but who doesn’t?

But still I’m asking myself, what can I do to make things okay, for anyone?

I don’t want to run away, but I do feel ignored. I just want to feel protected, to feel respected, but… yeah, that’s life. I know I should be realistic. I can’t get that from anyone but myself. That’s the fact you should accept, Sil. And now, they tell me that I’m thinking too much? Oh come on. I don’t want to curse. Don’t force me to.

Yeah, I’m a woman with pride. I won’t let anyone belittle that fact.

And yeah, I’m stubborn enough as well. Because I’m ready to be different. Because I choose to be different. In a good way, I hope.

Thus far, all I can say to myself is… it’s okay. I am fine. I was and will still be fine.

It’s just life.

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[now playing: Daniel Powter – Best of Me]

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Tanda

​Aku bilang pada mereka bahwa aku tidak percaya akan adanya tanda-tanda seperti itu. If he’s the one, then he is. Mengumpulkan berbagai macam tanda tidak akan berguna apa-apa. Or maybe I’m wrong.

Namun kupikir hal penting seperti demikian tidaklah tertebak hanya karena mungkin keduanya sama-sama suka MLTR, atau sama-sama senang dengan merek jas kantor tertentu. Atau bahkan punya filosofi hidup yang sama.

Itu pun tidak. Hal-hal demikian bukanlah pertanda yang benar-benar jelas. Or maybe I’m wrong.

Aku hanya tidak ingin percaya pada hal-hal ambigu, meskipun mungkin terdapat gagasan-gagasan penting di dalamnya.

Hanya karena sering bertemu, terutama sekali karena kebetulan yang tidak disengaja. Atau hanya karena selera musik dan genre buku bacaan yang sama, mungkin pula hanya karena kesukaan yang sama terhadap aktivitas jogging, bisa juga hanya karena… yeahwhatever.

.

Entahlah, sejak dulu memang aku tidak percaya. Sekarang pun seharusnya masih tidak.

Or maybe I’m wrong.